The breaking point - how much longer i plan to stay


pretty much, the only people who know of my decision to leave the u.s. are me, my girl and anyone who reads this (and according to my vast amounts of responses...not many). i will explain as follows:

over the past 24 years i have made the best of what god has given me. I've tried to be a moral person before and after i found out of me knowing my situation. years have passed since then and nothing has improved. i waited and waited on "dream" acts that honestly, have become a fantasy. Im now 28 and going to enter almost full adulthood in about 1.5 years and i still have a crap job, dont ride a car and can barely pay my way for a movie let alone a date. so after much thinking (3 years actually) i have finally serioously considered leaving the U.S. not cause minutemen were doing their "jobs" or cause border patrol/Immigrations and customs Enforcement were so good at restructuring themselves or even the politicos and their "lobbies" and other gay (not homo, i mean just plain ballless bastards) agenda makers. Simply, im just tired.

i know many still do not get my whole point of view and i dont expect you to, i said this was not the quest. it was just to make people understand that me along with all the others in my situation are human. we do have ambitions and dreams and even real emotions and sometimes pride if it's not chewed up from trying to find pay here. i do thank this nation and not the structures but the people. the everyday ones that would hear me out and talk about my situation with others. those that showed just an ounce of concern and even gave me a chance by whether letting me work for them or letting me stay in their home at a waay discounted rate in exchange for me cleaning and working around their house. Even those that would have a discussion with me and at least see my view if not change their mind.

this country programmed me to be the way i am. a skateboarding bmx, computer repairing, roofing, boxing, hard working, landscaping, opinionated, open minded, music loving, rapping, producing, expressing Man! and im grateful for all that. but, simply said, a person can only deal with being limited for so long. I still think it hurts me more because i have not seen what i "left behind" when i was brought here. all I've known is American ways. for god's sake one of my favorite foods are hot dogs (if from nathans...g'lawd!). so i do have attachment to my adoptive country even if it favored her real kids more than me.

and once again i say, all i asked was for a chance to be. i never asked for an amnesty or instant status. and people say why not do what you are doing but to come back here?! because the line to get in here legally for me (being mexican) is not just insane but ridiculously long and the stupid categories that not many fit (although i did try to marry someone but not for the papers). if another country can use me, so be it.

you guys (government) had your chance to use me to benefit the nation even if i was volunteering to pick up trash on the street not cause i got a ticket (cause you can't volunteer with an agency without ssn...look it up) or starting a non for profit that i've wanted to make (no detais cause no point in it now). I am a positive person. i did give back whenever i could even if those 5 dollars were my last to stretch for a fuckin week, i'd give it to a donation box in good fuckin faith. I would pick up some crazy shit in the way for a car won't hit it and damage their car.

so i guess it ends. im preppin as we speak to get my passport and see if i can leave from here or i gotta go to mexico (cause im not stayin there!) but either rate, option 2 is now option 1. im reading the documentation on how to immigrate over there and "whadayaknow" there is a category for me! a person simply wanting to immigrate there! sure, i do got other interests for doing so but i also finally get to "be"... simply be. something that i have not been or felt like i have in awhile. no need to be paranoid when i see police when i have not done a crime (gon take a while for that one) or have a limited employment pool because you can't work as a blueprint reader under-the-table for too long (i did...long story short, shady people brought that down). and i can actually apply for a license. that one messes with me. but now it does not matter. it's not like im gonna be gone within the month. im working the kinks and will blog about that and so on cause now, im gon let alot of people that shouldve known all this about me for years (mainly direct vents to them). and i will try to renember to tell you people how you can help someone in my situation if you do come across them. how you can help us how to fish so i wont be the only story of saying "one way or another" cause, hey, maybe we should leave...but not the ones you wanted to leave. People like me who have a drive not just on sterotypes about drinking and having infinite kids but being entrepreneurs by birth. by wanting to make something big out of something as minute as a seed. we used to call that "the american dream". even alot of you motherfuckers that got the chance just shit on it and i dont have to say how and why. just think about it. And even my family members that are citizens are in on this one. I've said that i dont wish this on anyone but i really do wish it on them so they can understand why it seems like i was crazy. see how long you guys couldve lived in my mindset (and not my other sisters, me!). my want and ambition and care for this fuckin place. I love america...but sad it does not love me. and while people talk shit and crap here, i still respect. i respect the military for dying not for the political issues but for the country, for the people that "DO" make this place run. the true backbone and developers of this nation. but fuck the system that kept me at limbo for way too fuckin long. god bless the flag and it's people but im on my way out. laters

More "dream act news"...why dont i give a sh*t?!

i think immigration news is no longer effecting me. I read today that more colleges are pushing to allow immigrants to go to college with in-state tuition and financial aid and possibly, legalization. so why don't i care anymore? i think cause i have heard this since i graduated and every disappointing year the bill gets shot out, i get into a low that is only explainable as depression. I do care if they pass a bill...until then i will take it as rumor. that's it. the shortest blog,

The "one in ten are using food stamps" debate (and i say using cause i don't wanna insult the ones that truly don't "abuse" it)

I woke up this morning from a cold-flu-pneumonia (i pray not but cant go to doctor) spell i have had for almost two weeks to read on my blackberry (YEAH, you thought Mexican immigrants don't know tech!!!) about the statistic that one in every ten Americans is on food stamps now...i would like to sympathize but i have seen the bad side of food stamps. not just the obvious transferring them for cigarettes or drugs or other non needed items but people (and i mean AMERICAN CITIZENS) that take the food stamps and use them just to horde food. they have plenty of cans of tomato juice cans and whatever they get for free still in the cupboard (sometimes going stale or bad) and they go get some more the next week. And to make matters worse, they are insulted if they cant get what they want...What ever happen to beggars can't be choosers. To make matters worse, one particular person that does so has plenty of money to piss away on stupid sh*t that they never use and complain about having bills and so on. It saddens me cause i know this story is going to get flipped on illegals but so be it. you allow them to, they are going to. It pisses me off to high hell that people can abuse a system that is made to help the truly unfortunate and see it as their right to mooch off the government. It's even more hurtful when i think about how many times i did not have food or knew i was not gonna have money for a week so I'd decide to call it a "fasting" instead of admitting to myself that I'm just broke (why i ate top ramen with chop sticks...to feel like i was eating asian food instead of noodles in a McDonalds cup). I did that so i could never have it rubbed in my face that i took food stamps or benefits. Sure, i vomited stomach acids sometimes but i maned up and took it. why can't YOU moochers admit to your faults. It made me laugh when i saw that they get about 100 dollars per person a month in food stamps...damn, that's a good month of food for me. Lemme total it up

$20 - 100 top ramen (the staple for broke folks)
$10 - 8-10 packs of Hot Dogs (to put in the ramen or eat alone)
$12 - 6 loaves of bread (AND WHAT THE F*CK!!! REALLY 2 BUCKS FOR BREAD?!)
$20 - 20 cheap brand t.v. dinners (u know, the brand that got recalled...banquet)
$10 - 20 cheap pot pies (same TV dinner brand)

$28 - to piss away on fast food when I'm not home...and a few candy bars (ay, i got a sweet tooth)

this is a real budget when i made enough money to buy so much and you know what...i never was hungry (and i eat ALOT).

So either the government is supplementing the wrong foods or I'm just that damn good at budgeting food?! C'mon. And like i said, it ain't just food...it's section 8 homes where people rent all the rooms (as told not to by the section 8 rules), unemployment checks (cause under the table work is not reported) and other government benefits. I'm not bombing on anyone that is under these benefits. im telling the ones that take advantage. The sad thing is, the negative always sees the light first. not the ones that made it out of section 8 to have a business or unemployed that took the EDD check to barely make it and bounce back (my ex fiancee) or the cal grant kids that become the future of this nation...change has to be done in all of this to help this nation. Accountability, not bureaucracy. Responsibility, not prosecuting. We must be the ones to check ourselves before we truly do wreck ourselves.

How the internet can come back and haunt you (not necessarily but read on)

For starters, i will begin by thanking one of the few people that i am not related to or knew me enough for reminding me i had a blog (thnx for the coffees..is that how you spell multiple coffee?!). That kind of starts this blog off. I was working on a roof in the town i used to live in for years. The people of the house were nice. My working partner (dunno what to call them cause they are not my workers) and I would get invited to eat. My friend could talk but not work that well so i continued the job. when the lady talked to me alone, somehow i mentioned something about immigration and it began talks about that. when she asked me (curiously, not negatively) i was quick to deny (a reflex...i wish it's a joke but it's not). i guess some days went by after we finished a part of the job and we had to go back. she mentioned she googled me and found this blog...I didn't freak out cause i kind of assumed she knew why i lied in the first place but i was more worried cause how i speak in this blog is me uncensored. my own mother does not know about this blog (although she should) cause i wish people to not see the activist Paisa but Amos Iriqui (never hid it before, why start now) the person just living life. I flashed in my mind when she said some of the things i wrote here were kind of (she left it blank cause im guessing she did not have a word to say very unfuckin candid). it embarrassed me but it also reminded me what i wanted out of this site...maybe it did not show her anything new but may have showed her a new face of immigration. one that talks to you like the person on the bus or a co-worker. not like a "foreigner" and have to translate accented english or learn spanish. some of our thoughts are lost in translation...mine are not.

this is why it haunted me but it haunted me cause i pushed away this blog for so long...read on

So if anyone has been or has read this blog, i take way big gaps of hiatus (even when i began) for this simple reason...I am talking about a topic I am living at the same time. Whether you people realise it, some of these discussions tear me up inside. It's something beyond of passion that I speak on. I wish i was stronger and could just keep haranguing, cussing, and blowing up (like rush limbaugh on a good pill rage...i mean democrat rage) but it's not good for me...not for anyone. I will do my best to keep updating but I kind of have to brace myself before i do (not about the topic i choose cause i always have more than a book to write about and i have thought it over and over before i even think about putting it online). It's like wanting to swim in nut freezin (sorry, will try to limit) cold temperatures. whether you want to go in, you have to prepare to take that cold. A cold that sometimes i forget how cold it is (until i read old blogs...ouch. sometimes i was hella pissed on them).

Don't get me wrong, i do like talking about it cause of the benefit i think it has on people that actually find it, they learn that not all immigrants to this country have it easy or so perfectly clear. that we too have dreams and wishes but some of those wishes are so ignored, abused and unappreciated by citizens (LIKE JURY DUTY!!!). The thing is, it's harsh to open up so much. I wish i didn't have to say how pissed i am cause i made garbage this day or how is it that i gave so much credit to government and they can forget about people like me, but i do. it's gotta be like reporters (well, the real ones) reporting depressing things after another after another. over time it's gotta affect them. but imagine that reporter had to report being in that situation. being in that fire, being in the shooting, being in the hospital ward with salmonella cause you ate the peanut butter. That is my reporting. And i do it on the high hopes that it can affect someone. that's it. no fame, no big rallies when i get (if i get) deported, just that they know we people...the ones in immigration limbo as i consider ourselves... do try to function but are confused on what is the next move for us.


thanks again if you read this...and don't be afraid to email...i wont spam

IF you can vote, then vote, damnit!

if you have read this blog enough, you know i am an immigrant. I'm in such a special situation that prohibits me from voting...it's not like i dont want to. it really kills me when people that can vote just say "it doesn't matter" but those same a**es b***h and complain that "the economy is so tough" and "my house is getting repo'ed" or, "bush is f***n up" well, shut the f***k up! you never tried to make a difference. even if you at least voted for bush, you can say you were mislead or something but for those that can and do not even try...it DOES matter. right now there could be a historic election where we either have the first black president that wants to change or the nation's oldest president that is a "maverick" (and i am so sick of that word...if you are such a maverick, then SHOW IT DONT JUST SAY IT...CAUSE I CAN KEEP SAYING "I AM A CITIZEN" BUT IT DOES NOT HAPPEN JUST CAUSE I KEEP SAYING IT...). I watched every debate and take notes (yeah, wetbacks CAN write) and maybe neither one cares for my situation...idunno but that's not the important thing right now. illegal or not, people are losing jobs by the second and immigrants can't be blamed this time. the dollar is turning to the new peso, food cost is going up (that's MY stock market...before colbert said it i saw top ramen go from 10 cents to 25 cents...the cheapest meal for college students). if you are a baller (financially secure), you don't care for that but if you got a family, you work for a living (check by check) or even own a home, I beg of you...VOTE!!! if not, trade with me...see how it feels to not have the right to make a change. if it does not make a difference, al gore lost by such a (shady) close call....maybe we would already be solar powered by now instead of having a higher deficit and crap stock value (maybe not even in war...maybe some of the people i knew would not have had to die for "freedom" bulls**t excuses)


DO SOMETHING!!!! MAKE IT HAPPEN!

FINALLY BACK (like crack in the 80's...all up ur noses!)


just to let cats know, i've been blocked from posting cause i needed stupid gmail account (yeah, it took this long for me to decide to get one...dont trust them...) newhoo, i will get new fresh news on this as soon as i can piggyback to a stable connection (yeah, paisas cannot get cable or dsl cause we have no credit but for some weird reason we can buy houses...i did not get that memo or else i would have been in a pad). if anyone is pissed cause i've been slackin, f*ck u. it took u this long to catch on?! email and let me know!!!l1paisarap@gmail.com and if u in texas, i hear someone put one of my tracks on a mixtape. i will post new info on that as soon as i find out myself (i got a call from soneone about that and it was me...suprise. neways do ur thing and i still say fuck icee cats with frozen hearts...dont tell me ur doing ur job, that was nazi cats' excuses and we are not in the 1940's, faggot!

Bush is president: What is in it for us?... The same for citizens NOTHING!!!
a note on the recent election:
It's funny cause i've met so many people talking about this issue about the presidential candidates. BS and typical stuff but there was a lack of something... A POINT!!! none of these fn candidates actually said "i'm gonna do this" or "i'm gonna do that"! it reminded me of school elections cause no one knew any real reason to vote for this and that except that we know this guy!! ALL immigration issues were completely ignored like the recent DREAM act, or the licenses in California. WE STILL WAITING FOR SOMETHING!!! My boss did make a good point recently to me: "It's harder for you cause you've been here most of your life so you expect them to do something for you" True, i do see that they partially owe me cause i obeyed their rules and crap but screw me, if my shit's solved, there are many more still stuck. that's wjy i piss and complain. If i don't, who will. (I always reference african americans with immigration but here's another) If rosa parks didn't give a fuck for others, she would have sat her ass to the back. Guess what? she didn't. and too bad that i can't just piss some fools off like that but sometimes even a woman has more balls than med do. I ain't complaining for myself, I'm complaining for the ones that can't say anything or if they do it gets lost in translation. I'm giving it to you from what i see, hear and feel everyday. I saw a guy running across from me when i went to go get dinner 2 days ago. I saw to see what he was running from and it was an accident. He crashed into a car, got out the car and ran so the cops won't mess with him. I know they have no deportation powers but even I don't like to take that chance. Lord knows if guy had kids and everything could go more sour if he takes a trip to the south than it can for me.